S2E6 - Pecos Bill and Sluefoot Sue

PECOS BILL & SLUE FOOT SUE

Part 1: Intro

FLORIDA MAN: Howdy folks, and welcome to The Talegate!

CHEESEHEAD: For those of you just joining us, we’re on a roadtrip across America to uncover 

the mysteries behind tall tales, fairy tales, folktales, fishtales, & urban legends, one interview at a time.

FM: We inherited a truck from our late Granny May and discovered that the crystal hanging 

off the rearview mirror was more than decorative. It’s a Dowsing Pendulum leading us to the good folks behind the tales we all grew up with. With that, I’m Harrison, the Florida Man. 

CH: And I’m Aaron the Cheesehead. And today we are parked beside the Rio Grande not far 

out from El Paso, Texas.

FM: Ain’t nothing like a peaceful afternoon spent riverside. Just you alone with your thoughts 

and a bucket of bait to keep ya company.

CH: Uh, and your cousin?

FM: That, too.

CH: It’s nice to see a body of water after driving hours on end through the dry barren waste. It’s 

like, once you pass Dallas you’re suddenly transported into the second act of Mad Max.

FM: Which Mad Max?

CH: Any Mad Max. Plus, you finally get a chance to test the waters with your fishing pole there.

[Casting/bloop sound]

FM: I’m tellin’ ya. I ain’t had a chance to cast this bad boy since we was abducted.

CH: Yea, that was a nightmarish encounter engraved in my brain forever, likely do to the implant 

she shoved in my head. But I won’t sweat the small stuff. What are you hoping to hook?

FM: Got a floatin’ minnow on the end so I’m lookin’ to catch maybe a trout or two for cookin’ on 

the portable grill before our company arrives. But that sounds an awful lot like business, and, before we get down to business, what we drinkin’ today, Cheesehead?

CH: Ah, today’s brewskies come in two distinctive varieties: the first is the aptly named, “Angler 

Hoppy Lager” weighing in at a respectively average ABV of 5.7% with a cool fish-eye-view depiction of a cowboy in a boat.

FM: Now we’re talkin’! It’s fishin’ themed, I’ll take it!

CH: Well now, just hold your horses, because the second brew is called “Southern Swagger 

Double IPA” with the image of a skeleton cowboy riding a skeleton bull. This rodeo-in-a-can weighs in at a heafy 9.2 ABV. 

FM: Aw, how the hell am I supposed to choose between the beer named after my favorite 

pastime and the beer with double its alcohol percentage?

CH: I think I got a solution. These bad boys here come in 16 oz cans. Hows about we both just 

drink half of each?

FM: Deal! Hand me the Angler. Damn, respectable indeed. That’s mighty fine lager.

CH: Bah! Jesus Mary Joseph, did I drink an entire pine tree? Double IPA...more like quadruple 

IPA.

FM: Is it good though?

CH: If you like IPA. Anyway, these both were produced by Lucky Luke Brewery out of Palmdale, 

California. Kind of a aways from home, these two.

FM: Lucky Luke, huh? Must be named after the comic.

CH: What is Lucky Luke, some D-List Marvel or DC hero or something?

FM: Actually, he ain’t that kind of comic. Lucky Luke was first created back in the 1946 by a 

Belgian cartoonist named Morris. He eventually partnered with the French writer behind the Astérix series. 

CH: Interesting. Can we trade beers already? This one isn’t really for me.

FM: Sure thing. Double IPAs may taste rough, but gotta admire how straight to the point they 

are.

CH: Ooh, This is one tasty lager. Better still, this beer looks to pair rather well with fish. By the 

way, how is that going for yah?

FM: Uh, not great. Been out here an hour or so. Ain’t caught a damned thing. Swear, it’s like 

there’s some kinda monster or somethin’ out there scarin ‘em off.

CH: Texas is known for more than their fair share of aquatic terrors such as the Bear Lake 

Monster. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

FM: Only monster here’s gonna be me if the flippin’ fish don’t start biting soon. Hold up now, 

think I got something.

CH: Oh, for real?

FM: For real. Fish on!

CH: Good job, buddy! Reel in that little guy! 

FM: Ain’t little. Mighty powerful, whatever it is. 

CH: All the more to eat, amiright?

FM: Unless it’s big enough to eat us.

CH: Cripes!

FM: Nah, I’m kiddin. More likely to just break my line, anything that big. Tension here ain’t fit for 

larger game.

CH: True that. Do fish in this river really grow large enough to contend on a scale like that?

FM: Not most of them. Could be a gator, but these motions are telling me it’s a fish.

CH: Could be what’s been scaring off all the little guys. If it’s not a gator, what fish is big enough 

to keep you on your toes like this?

FM: Only one freshwater fish in these parts I can think of grows big enough to put up a fight like 

this one.

CH: That being?

[sound of a large animal leaping from the water and splashing hard]

FM: Catfish.

CH: What a beast, did you see that??

FM: I saw. Jumpin’ Jesus, this fish must be over a hundred pounds, two maybe. And looked like 

it had something large caught on it’s dorsal fin.

CH: Look out, it’s surfacing again!

[sound of a whale leaping from the water and splashing hard]

SUE: Yeeeeeeeehaaaaw!

CH: Well, curdle my cheese, that’s a...that’s a woman riding on the back of that catfish as if it 

was some kind of buckin’ bronco! 

[snap]

FM: There goes my line.

CH: And there goes our dinner.

[sloshy footsteps]

CH: The woman is coming up from the water! She’s a cowgirl by the looks of her pigtails and 

Stetson hat. And moseying toward us super casual as if she’s not a complete weirdo. 

SUE: Evenin’, gents. If I ain’t know better, I'd say you boys seen a ghost.

FM: More specifically like we just seen a ghost dressed as a cowgirl saddlin’ a catfish the size of 

a damned clydesdale. 

CH: And a cute one, to boot.

SUE: Why aren’t you just the charmer. Here that, Kitten? Cityslicker here thinks you’re cute.

[splash sound]

CH: I meant you, not that whiskered leviathan, but okay.

SUE: Pardon my rudeness, but would two gents mind showing me the nearest powder room? 

I’m covered in muck from bib-to-boot and would like to freshen up before my man arrives. 

CH: Your man?

FM: Ain’t got a bathroom persey, but suppose you could use our truck if you gotta.

SUE: Perfect, thank you, kindly. 

FM: Pleasure’s mine, I guess.

CH: So do we even know this lady?

FM: Not off hand. To be honest, I reckoned it was the mammoth catfish we were led to here to 

meet, not a rowdy woman ridin’ it. Still, less odds we die interviewing the lady than whatever that beast is out there.

CH: Don’t be so sure. She said her man was arriving.

FM: Yea. Still proud of you for taking your shot though.

CH: Thanks, buddy. Wait a sec, she just walked soaking wet to our truck without any supplies. 

How exactly can one “freshen up” from that?

FM: That’s...a good question. Hey miss, you alright over there? No offense, but truck’s got 

enough problems without adding soggy floorboards to the mix.

SUE: I’m right as rain and fresh as a daisy.

CH: Wowzers! You sure are--wait just a second there. You’re wearing my clothes!

SUE: Am I? These jeans hug my curves like they were built for me.

CH: They kind of are.

FM: You wear lady jeans, Cheesehead?

CH: What can I say? They fit right and showcase my best attributes.

FM: Your glutes?

CH: Nah, my gangly chicken legs. The bagginess of mens’ jeans is just too much for me.

SUE: At any rate, I appreciate your kindness lending your womanly jeans to a stranger.

CH: Why’d you have to phrase it like that? 

FM: Who even are you?

SUE: Name’s Sue. Slue-Foot Sue. Put ‘er there!

CH: I’ll put ‘er wherever you want me too, Miss!

FM: Wait, Slue-Foot Sue?

SUE: You hear me stutter?

FM: No. But if you’re Slue-Foot Sue then reckon your man’s gotta be…

CH: Look out, Florida Man! It’s coming from across the river. A...a giant cyclone!

[tornado sounds]

PECOS: YAAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!

FM: There he is! Riding the twister like it were a broken steed!

CH: Wait, no, he’s riding aback a cougar who’s riding a twister like it was a broken steed!

SUE: You boys got it all wrong. He’s riding Widowmaker, his broken steed, who’s riding a cougar 

who’s riding a twister like it were a broken steed!

[Tornado passes; spurs/cougar/horse sounds hit all at once]

PECOS: There you are, Darlin. And what a sight to see! New jeans? Mmm-mm. Delicious as a 

baked beans and bacon! I love the way they show off your slender, feminine legs.

CH: That horse you rode in on must be dead, cause we sure are beating it.

SUE: [Kiss] You made it, puddin-pie!! Here, I have some new friends I want you to meet.

PECOS: Interesting posse you’ve rounded up, Sue. How kind of you pilgrims to treat my Darlin 

bride here like she were family.

FM: Just how we do, Sir.

PECOS: Sir? SIR? I may be a man of more names than one, but most folks simply call me 

Pecos Bill. Put ‘er there, pardners!

CH: Hell of a handshake you got there. The both of yah.

FM: Yea, ‘bout ripped my arm out its socket. I think we both know about the legendary fella 

by the name, “Pecos Bill.”

PECOS: Of course you’ve heard of the Mister on the Twister, the tobacco-snuffin’ stud muffin, 

Pecos Bill. And, of course, my beautiful wife:

SUE: The maiden fair with the derriere, the hot dish on a catfish, Slue-Foot Sue! But we’ve 

already introduced ourselves. Your turn, boys!

FM: Uh. Reckon I’m the rustic man with the neck-tan, the angler in the Wranglers, Harrison, the 

Florida Man.

CH: Oh oh, my turn! I’m the nerd with the Curds, the Johnny Quest from the Midwest, 

Aaron, the CheeeeEEEeeesehead!

PECOS: Shoot howdy, boys! Looks like we’re in for a hip-shootin’, rootin’ tootin’ evenin’!

[Gunfire for funzies]

SUE: But before we get down to business, what we drinkin’ tonight, Pecos?

CH: Thought you’d never ask! Tonight, we’re drinking--oh wait. Pecos? Ah geez, sorry. Guess 

I’m just used to carrying that bit. We do have beer though, for the record.

SUE: [laughs] Cute.

CH: Cute?

PECOS: Is this party a rootin’ tootin’ or slumber?

SUE: Don’t be rude, ash cake. They ain’t like us. Probably couldn’t handle the hard stuff.  

FM: The hell you say?

PECOS: You’re right, my sunbaked cookie.

SUE: Ain’t I always?

PECOS: God, I love you, baby!

SUE: Is it just me or is it hot out here?

[Makeout sounds]

CH: NO. It’s not just you. It’s been a hundred degrees out here all day long.

PECOS: And even hotter now.

SUE: Haha, I like to call him, Heat Wave, sometimes on account of him being so--

CH: So are you just going to criticize our beer or do you actually want some of it?

PECOS: Oh shoot, right. The alcohol. Listen here, partners, I see your gesture and raaaise it 

with one of my own. Take a swig from this jug here. It’ll take you to the moon and back.

SUE: William F. Pecos! A hell of a thing to say in front of me!

PECOS: Oh, my peach, I only meant it as a figure of speech! And speaking of “figure”...can’t get 

enough of those jeans you’re wearin!

CH: Jesus, Mary, Joseph. Give me that bottle! 

[uncorks, chugs, and wheezes]

CH: Well plow my snow, this is smooth. Not bad at all, I’m almost disappointed after the way you 

hyped it up.

PECOS: Wait for it.

CH [gasp] Fuck me! That’s straight up liquid fire!

FM: Oh for real? Shit, pass it on down then. 

[chugs, coughts]

FM: Jumpin Jeeeeesus, that’s some good stuff!

PECOS: Ain’t it though? So talk to me, partners. What can we do you for?

SUE: Yea. We’re a pretty open couple. We’re like the sun: up for sharin’ our warmth with any 

who care to swing out from the shade.

CH: Oh, I’ll swing alright. Just call me Benjamin David Goodman!

SUE: Who?

CH: Ah, come on. Benny Goodman? “Riffin’ the Scotch?” "Ain't Cha Glad?. "The Jazz Holiday?”

FM: Dude, I’m from your timeline and I still ain’t got a clue ‘bout no Benjamin Goodman.

CH: He was called the “King of Swing!” You know what, fuck you guys.

SUE: That’s more like it. Bill, what you think? Think that truck bed over there could handle the 

four of us at once or should we take shifts?

FM: Oh hell no! Look, Cheesehead and I are two podcasters hopin’ to score an interview 

with you fine folks. 

PECOS: [disappointed] So...no truck bed? 

FM: I mean, if that’s really something you’re after I guess yall can go to town. Just don’t bust an 

axel.

CH: Point one for Cheesehead!

FM: But befooooore y’all get down to business, what...whoa. What was I drinkin’ just now, 

Pecos?

PECOS: You just drank some good ol’ Mountain Dew. Distilled it myself. ABV higher than 

Guadalupe Peak with a dash of dynamite for flavor. 

FM: Dynamite?

PECOS: My favorite food.

FM: Well shit. Call me Hangman Page then.

CH: Who?

FM: Hangman Adam Page? AEW Tagteam champion?

PECOS: And I thought the Cheeseboy’s “King of Swing” reference was obscure.

FM: Know what, screw you guys. Give me more of whatever demon juice you got in that 

damned bottle. 

CH: Meanwhile, can we get through this interview over with so we can move on to the busting of 

the axels?

SUE: Awe. They got all their little recording equipment out, Pecos. How sweet. At least let's tell 

them a little but about ourselves before they hit that bottle too hard.

PART 2: HISTORY

PECOS: Sure thang! My story begins long ago in the 1830’s. I was born William. Ain’t sure my 

surname, and for good reason. As a baby, I tumbled off the wagon train and watched as my family rode off West nonethewiser.  

FM: Damn, and I thought my family was bad.

PECOS: My family isn’t really to blame. They didn’t know. Plus, I got a second and 

equally-loving family out of the whole deal.

CH: Oh, did another wagon pick you up?

PECOS: Wagon? No. I was seized by the scruff of my neck by a mama coyote and hauled off to 

her den, where I was raised alongside her newborn litter of pups. 

SUE: Ain’t he a rascal!

PECOS: I grew up not knowing a lick of English, but I did know conversational coyote howling 

by the time I was finally found and identified by my older blood brother. 

FM: So, whenever someone hits you with the old adage, “were you raised by wolves?” do you 

correct ‘em?

PECOS: All the time! I’m all like, “Ahem. Coyotes, you dumbass.”

CH: That’ll show them. Was it difficult readjusting to human life after spending most of your 

youth chasing roadrunners?

PECOS: Sure. But I picked up on human ways quick enough. In fact, I was groomed to be quite 

the cowboy before long. Rustled them steers like nothing you ever seen.

CH: Oh, I believe it.

SUE: My man!

FM: What made you such a good cowboy? For that matter, what makes your command over 

animals and acts of God so powerful as a general rule?

PECOS: I think being raised by coyotes for as long as I was granted me some power over 

nature. I learned to see things I couldn’t as a human. Hear things I’d be otherwise deaf to. 

[Rattle sound]

CH: Holy Farve, look out, Pecos Bill! They’re a snake in your boot!

FM: You’re thinkin’ of Woody.

CH: No, I’m thinking of that giant sidewinder rearing it’s menacing head out of Bill’s boot!

SUE: They’re right, Bill! The sidewinder...it’s in your left boot!

FM: Christ almighty, what do we do?

SUE: Oh, we just move him back to his spot up on Bill’s belt loop. You know, where the whip’s 

meant to be holstered.

CH: Are you insane? That’s a highly venomous serpent.

PECOS: One cowboy’s highly venomous serpent is another cowboy’s whip.

FM: Pretty sure you just made that up.

CH: And excuse me, did you say “whip?” As in this snake here is just some everyday ranching  

tool for you?

PECOS: It’s my secret weapon. You partners know how I said I was a hell of a cowboy? Well, 

that’s cause them cows don’t want to get bit in their hind quarters by this baby here.

[Rattler sound]

CH: So you just carry around a rattlesnake with you at all times is what you’re saying?

PECOS: A rattlesnake? You hear that, Sue?

PECOS/SUE: [Laughter]

SUE: They think you only got one snake.

FM: That a dick joke?

SUE: You got filthy mind there, Beach Boy. 

FM: It’s “Florida Man.”

PECOS: Allow me clear the air. I got one rattler for my whip, and my old pal, Shake here [rattle 

sound] as my trusted lasso. 

CH: So let me get this straight. You were raised by a pack of coyotes, herd cattle using two 

ungodly specimens of America’s most deadliest snakes, all while mounted on a horse, cougar, and occasional tornado. Am I missing anything?

SUE: Nope, I think you covered it.

CH: Oh right, and you’re dating a cowgirl who sidesaddles an alarmingly-spry and orca-sized 

catfish.

FM: You make it sound so normal.

CH: Well, it’s most certainly not. Giant fish, deadly snakes, tornadoes… it’s like you two have 

turned the world’s greatest fears into your own personal help-staff. 

PECOS: We two here are humbled by nature’s gifts, but just having each other is plenty enough 

for this cowboy.

SUE: Oh honeycomb, your tongue must be made of pure sugarcane cause you just say the 

sweetest things. 

FM: How did you two lovers meet anyhow?

SUE: Why, it’s funny you should ask. Today, our little meet up here at the Rio Grande wasn’t by 

coincidence. He and I are reuniting to celebrate our anniversary!

PECOS: Sue and I met right here in this very spot some time ago.

SUE: Pecos Bill was here by the river, letting Widowmaker graze and pulling from the river to 

refill his cantine. That’s when I flew out of the water aback my giant catfish and paid him a wink.

PECOS: A wink? Girl, you and that fish gave me a front seat to my own personal Water Rodeo.

SUE: Was love at first sight. We began a courtship right then and there.

PECOS: To prove to her how deep my love ran, I shot out every star in the midnight sky save 

for one; one star just for her. And that’s how Texas became known as the Lone Star 

State.

FM: Not to rain on noone’s parade or nothing, but I was taught that the Texas flag, when it was a 

Mexican province, had two stars and read: Coahuila (Coa-Wheela y Tejas. 

Upon gaining its independence from Mexico, the Republic of Texas dropped Coahuila and its corresponding star, leaving the Lone Star of Texas as a point of pride.

PECOS: Lies.

FM: Oh, okay. 

CH: That clears it up, absolutely. 

FM: I was stupid to even think that.

SUE: Anyway, as I gazed upon the Lone Star, I realized then and there that I met the man I was 

meant to spend the rest of my life with. Then came the wedding.

CH: Ah geez. What happened? Did you become a bridezilla or something?

FM: Let me guess...in-laws put a kink in your ropes? 

SUE: No. I was a humble bride and all three of our families were cooperative and polite.

CH: Three families?

SUE: Well of course. My family, his human family, and the coyote pack.

FM: And what wedding wouldn’t be complete without a pack of howlin’ coyotes?

SUE: While I was no bridezilla, as you call it, I did make but one request: to ride down the 

aisle on the back of Widowmaker. Only, Widowmaker wasn’t having any of that.

WM: [horse sounds]

PECOS: That’s right. My trusty stud here got rabid with jealousy. Bucked poor Sue here on her 

ass where her gigantic bustle caused her to bounce.

SUE: And I couldn’t stop bouncing! With each rebound, I shot high and higher--faster and faster.

PECOS: Tried as I did, I couldn’t get Shake there fast enough to lasso the old girl down.

SUE: Soon enough, I bounced all the way to moon, crashing my head upon its dusty plane, and 

descending back down to Texas. I was caught in this vicious bouncing cycle for days. Days turned to weeks. I became malnourished, dehydrated, dying. 

PECOS: I did the only thing left in my power. 

CH: Stand beneath her to catch her on the next trip down?

PECOS: Nah, I shot her dead. Hah, good advice though...probably shoulda tried just catching 

her. Eh, maybe next time.

CH: Next time??

SUE: Anyway, my poor Bill took my death pretty hard. Left society for a spell, back to his wild 

coyote family.

PECOS: [Howls] I only returned to civilization on occasion to marry again. 

FM: Again? 

PECOS: Sure. Remarried several times, but not a one of them broads could tip a hat my 

Slue-Foot Sue.

SUE: And I did my fair share of romance here on the spiritual plane while I waited for him to 

pass over, so no ill-will.

CH: So what, you two are finally rekindling as spirits nowadays?

SUE: No need rekindling a flame that was never extinguished. 

FM: That bullet in your forehead says otherwise, but Pecos Bill, I heard your death was 

something else.

PECOS: How do you mean, pardner? 

FM: I had a book of Tall Tales as a kid. Says one day you were hammin’ it up in a respected 

Saloon. Washin’ fishhooks down the pipe with a cocktail of whiskey and nitroglycerin. When in struts two loud-mouthed urbanites in ten-gallons hats through the double swingers.

SUE: Oh no. Don’t do it!

FM: Tired of them runnin’ their mouths and actin’ all tough, Bill asked ‘em, “Who exactly are you 

supposed to be?” And they replied...

SUE: Don’t say it, I’m beggin’ ya!

FM: ...”why, we’re cowboys.”

PECOS: [Spittake...into full uncontrollable laughter] Booooy, you should have seen them two 

Dandies try to pull off those hats. “Cowboys!” Can you believe it!?? [Continues laughter]

SUE: Oooh shit. Now why’d you have to go and do that?

PECOS: [hysterics] Them boys had hands smoother than a baby’s backside!

CH: Do what exactly, Sue? What is this madness?

FM: Yessee, them cocky whitecollars callin’ themselves “cowboys” got Pecos Bill 

tickled so hard he straight laughed himself to death.

CH: Hell of a way to go.

SUE: Whoa, what’s happening to my poor Bill?! 

PECOS: [Laughter turns into a howl]

CH: Wait just a gosh darn moment...he just went from being an ethereal spirit to flesh and 

bone?

PECOS: That’s right. Yall boys must have made me laugh myself back to life!

SUE: Is that even possible?

PECOS: Sure looks that way! Hold still, Darlin’, while ol’ Bill shoots you between them big 

beautiful brows again!

[gunfire]

SUE: Did it work? You shoot me back to life?

PECOS: Nope. Reckon it don’t work that way for you. Too bad.

PART 3: TALL TALES

CH: Wowzers. We just witnessed a miracle! 

PECOS: Eh, ain’t a thang.

SUE: At least not compared to the things we’ve seen.

FM: Gotta take your word on that.

CH: So moving forward, we’ve heard your own backstories. But what about the stories 

themselves? These “Tall Tales” of Slue-Foot Sue, Pecos Bill, Widowmaker, Shake, and, I don’t know...whatever the other snake is called?

FM: First, let’s define what a Tall Tale even is, since y’alls the first ones we’ve yet to encounter. 

Now, according to the dictionary on my phone here a Tall Tale is “an exaggerated, unreliable story.” Which seems to check out considering numerous authors have added and subtracted to your tales throughout the decades. 

SUE: Of course many of the stories themselves are falsehoods, but to say we as characters are 

hyperbole, simply ain’t so.

PECOS: I mean, you did see me ride over here on a horse on a cougar on a twister, right?

FM: Yea, but like, as cool and fun as your Tall Tales are, we know y’all’s exploits were only 

penned some hundred or so years ago, earliest known stories of you being in 1917. You’re actually known as the “last of the Tall Tales.”

PECOS: Listen here, pardners. Look at us. Me and Sue here is real as cornmeal! Our dusty 

spirits have been rippin’ up and down this river for ages. Happened upon a fella around 1916. Irishman, I believe he was, named Edward O’Malley.

SUE: O’Reilly, dear. Edward O’Reilly. We told him our stories and before long, he made a mint 

off of our tales. Published them in The Century Magazine to the delight of many. 

Folks took such a strong likin’ to them, that other writers spawned a whole slew of stories about us.

PECOS: Yea, mostly sheer fantasy, but it’s all in good fun. People can’t get enough of the one 

and only Pecos Bill, haha.

FM: Uh, about that. There actually is more than one Pecos Bill. William Rufus Shafter, a Civil 

War hero on the side of the Union, medal of honor recipient, and Texas hero. Nicknamed, “Pecos Bill” before you and Sue here were put into print.

CH: Yah, “Pecos Bill” Shafter even has two cities named after him. Shafter, California, and the 

ghost town of Shafter, Texas. 

SUE: So there may have been another “Pecos Bill,” big deal. He doesn’t sound so tough.

CH: Oh, but he was tough. There was even a poem written in his honor that sings about his 

toughness. It’s called, “Ol’ Pecos Bill or General William Shafter.”

PECOS: Hah, poetry...yes, the toughest art form in all the land. 

FM: First verse of it reads: 

Don’t hardly reckon there ever was a tougher ol’ soldier pill. 

In any way that you’d size him up, than that same ol’ Pecos Bill.

SUE: Okay, but even a cricket seems tough to an ant. Dang, poem’s singing his praises like 

he were some gift from the heavens.

CH: And you’ll say it duplicates Gloryland, the kingdom on Zion’s Hill. 

And who’s responsible for the change? I reckon it’s Pecos Bill.

PECOS: For crying out loud. I get it I get it. Sounds like this man could do no wrong.

FM: Uh, that’s only because we skipped over the hideously racist stanzas involving native 

americans. So yea, a hero to many. Still a racist SOB.

PECOS: In those times, find me an honest fella who weren’t. Easy to believe these peaceful 

people were savages by all the propaganda fed to us back then in the name of 

expansion. 

SUE: Bill’s right. Made us think ourselves American heroes taking up arms against these 

wonderful people.

CH: I bet. The push for Manifest Destiny was seriously fucked up. Now, you were first written 

about with dubious accuracy beginning in 1917. That’s some time after the close of the “Old West Period.” 

To capitalize on the end of the movement and turn it into a show of romanticism, came Buffalo Bill and Annie Oakley. Two of the most popular sharp-shooters and entertainers at the turn of the century.

PECOS: Are you implying that Sue and I are just some rip off sideshow clowns?

SUE: I think they are, pudding.

FM: I mean, we ain’t sayin’ you two as individuals have ripped off of them. But I think 

Cheesehead here was more or less implying that the authors of your tales may have been the ones inspired by larger-than-life cowboy, Buffalo Bill. I mean, even had “Bill” in the name.

CH: And again, I’m just asking more than implying. I couldn’t find evidence one way or the next. 

Inconclusive as this may be, you two have undoubtedly made a dent in the world of Pop Culture. 

PART 4: POP CULTURE

FM: He’s right. Since O’Reilly’s publications, y’all both become household names.

CH: Yah and, at least speaking on my own behalf, it’s in large part due to Disney.

SUE: Disney? That cute little cartoon fella in them funny v-neck sweaters?

FM: Funny way of putin’ it, but you ain’t wrong. Actually, Pecos Bill’s Tall Tale Inn & Cafe is my 

favorite restaurant at Walt Disney World.

CH: Mine, too. And Walt Disney imagineers created this restaurant based on their 1948 cartoon 

featuring Slue-foot Sue and Pecos Bill, as well as Paul Bunyan and John Henry. It was their tenth theatrical classic, Melody Time.

PECOS: Wow, Paul and John? 

CH: Sure. Just George and Ringo shy of Beatlemania.

SUE: Why would good-natured Paul Bunyan and John Henry be in cahoots with the no good, 

rotten Johnny Ringo and George Waightman of the Cowboys and Doolin-Dalton gangs?

CH: It was just a joke. You know… the Beatles? “Hey Jude?”

SUE: Jude? My name is Sue. We’ve been over this. Reckon he’s suffering a heat stroke?

PECOS: Toss him in the river with Kitten. That’ll do the trick.

[Splash sounds]

CH: No no, I’m good. Thanks for looking out though.

FM: As it were, Disney weren’t done cashing in on your Tall Tales just yet. In 1995, Patrick 

Swayze played you in the live-action less-than-classic theatrical feature, Tall Tale.

SUE: Why would they choose Patrick Swayze to play me? Is it because we share the same 

Long, gorgeous feathered hair?

FM: I meant he played Bill. Thought that was obvious.

SUE: Well then who played Slue-Foot Sue in this live-action picture?

FM: Uh, you were kinda left out of it.

PECOS: Haha, they ain’t even think to put you in, Sue! How ‘bout that?

CH: Be that as it may, Sue, you are a star in one of the segments of the 1998 comic anthology, 

Did You Say Chicks?, written by Lauren Frankos. you are the focal point in the story entitled, Slue-Foot Sue and the Witch in the Wood.

SUE: HAH! Eat a boot, Bill.

FM: You know, funny thing is, we was looking forward to interviewing the infamous “Witch in the 

Wood” back when we was drivin’ through Alabama but our dowsing pendulum didn’t pick her up.

PECOS: Prolly at Cauldron-Con.

FM: Cauldron-Con? Wait, didn’t we see a flyer for that back in New Orleans, Cheesehead?

CH: Sure did. Got it right here, matter of fact. “Cauldron-Con 2020, sponsored by”...what the 

heck is SQX Monster Radio? And I don’t know this woman either; Emma Fatel? Says she’s their featured guest. Looks mighty ominous.

FM: SQX? Emma Fatel? Ain’t ringin’ no bells.

CH: Oh, there’s more on the back of the flyer here.

FM: Read on.

CH: The back says, “Witches be Crazy. Crazy for Cauldron-Con 2020! Don your steepled hat 

and saddle that broom for a wand-erful time!” Oh, and there’s fine print. 

SUE: Always is. 

CH: “*Genuine witches and wizards only. Imposters will be promptly hexed and/or transformed 

into confections on sight. Also, we support LGBTQ+, so don’t come at us with any of that Potter bullshit.”

FM: Yikes. Guess I won’t Slytherinto that convention. 

CH: Yah, practically slammed the Gryphindoor in our faces.

SUE: Maybe y’all can Ravenclaw our ways through?

PECOS: Or just Hufflepuff and blow the doors down.

FM: So we’re all a bunch of nerds, is what I’m getting here.

SUE: Hey, y’all are the nerds. We two are just Rowling with the punches.

CH: I’m surprised you ghosts even know of JK Rowling, if I’m to be honest.

SUE: Well, we know of her because we’re dead, just like her career after her recent tweets on 

Transsexuality. 

PECOS: Some nerve. Love is love is love. Speaking of which, hey sue (the “wink wink” click 

click sound).

SUE: Boy, you don’t gotta onomatopoeia me twice!

PART 5: FAREWELL

PECOS: Well sure has been a fun and rowdy time, but Sue and I here plan on having a fun and 

rowdy time of our own, so we must depart.

CH: Wait, what about busting an axel with us?

PECOS: Your interview took too long, so we’re just gonna cut the foreplay.

CH: Wait, we were the foreplay?!

FM: Don’t matter anyway, cause I happen to be happily married and weren’t the least bit 

interested in whatever kooky sex shit ya’ll are ramblin’ on about. Plus, Cheesehead and I have an appointment in New Mexico tomorrow so we gotta cash in to get an early start.

SUE: Ooo, before we do the tumbleweed, we outta rustle up some Grub.

FM: Grub, huh? Like what, y’all gonna go shoot down something crazy like the Bear Lake 

Monster and eat ‘em raw?

PECOS: Grub as in GrubHub. We’re ordering in. 

SUE: Yea, come on, man, it’s 2020.

PECOS: Plus, I beat that lake Monster’s ass years ago.

SUE: Sure did!

CH: Well, before we depart, just let me say that it was an absolute pleasure meeting the both of 

you. And I’d like to think that this little experience has made Florida Man and I into genuine Cowboys!

PECOS: [Trying to withhold a burst fo laughter]

SUE: Oh no.

PECOS: [Still trying to hold it in.]

SUE: You done did it again.

CH: Did what?

PECOS: [Burst into hysterical laughter]

FM: Did that.

PECOS: [continues laughing until he finally chokes, gasps, and dies]

[Funeral bell]

PECOS: Aw, I laughed myself to death again, didn’t I?

SUE: I came all this way to fan our flames and you ghost me.

PECOS: Good one, Darlin’, but you know Pecos Bill wouldn’t ever ghost a girl so fine as you. 

Especially in them outrageously girlie jeans of yours. Come on, cowgirl! Join me on ol’ Widowmaker here so we can gitty up.

SUE: Don’t gotta tell me twice. So long, gents! Thank you for all the kindness.

PECOS: And good luck with your recording or whatever shit you’re up to. Gotta catch this 

twister now. Byebye!

SUE: Byyyye!

[horse, twister sounds]

FM: And there they go. Cowboys on a horse on a twister, crazy as all get out.

CH: Cowboy on a horse on a twister? Didn’t the cowboy arrive on a horse on a cougar on a 

Twister?

FM: You’re right, come to think on it. Wonder what happened to that thing.

[Cougar roar]

CH: Golden fried curds! He’s right behind you there with his menacing glowing eyes! Hey there 

Kitty kitty! That’s a good kitty!

FM: Well folks, we’re probably about to die. But in the unlikely event that we make it to the truck 

alive, shoot us an email at thetalegatepodcast@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram @TheTalegatePodcast for photos, cast info, updates and more!

CH: Be sure to migrate here in two weeks for our next episode, as we meet a conservationist 

who specializes in mystical birds!

FM: From what I hear she’s very...talon-ted. 

CH: We’re really double-downing on these puns today, aren’t we? Bolt for the truck on the count 

of three?

FM: Sounds like a plan.

CH: Okay. One...Two...

FM: See ya later, Talegaters!

CH: Three!

[Panicked running/panther sounds]