S1E13- The Wolf Woman of Mobile and Alabama White Thang

THE TALEGATE

Episode 11:  The Wolf Woman of Mobile and the Alabama White Thang

Part 1:

FLORIDA MAN: Howdy folks, and welcome to The Talegate!

CHEESEHEAD: For those of you just joining us, we’re on a roadtrip across America to uncover 

the mysteries behind tall tales, fairy tales, folktales, fishtales, & urban legends, one interview at a time.

FM: We inherited a truck from our late Granny May only to discover that the crystal hanging 

off the rearview mirror was more than decorative. It is a Dowsing Pendulum leading us to the good folks behind the tales we all grew up with. 

CH: Unfortunately, we recently broke the seal on a canopic jar and unleashed The Mummy’s 

Curse.

FM: We?

CH: *I.

FM: Speaking of the devil, it was former King Tut’s vizier-turned-pharoh, Ay, who placed the 

damned curse on us. I’m sure we’ll be fine though.

CH: Oh, definitely. 

FM: With that, I’m Harrison, the Florida Man. 

CH: And I’m Aaron, the Cheesehead. Today we come to you from the middle of nowhere, 

Alabama. Which, is more than a little redundant. 

FM: We’ve pitched camp for the night and we’re currently roastin’ marshmallows for some good 

‘ol s’mores. 

CH: I’ll take s’more of that beer.

FM: Hell yea! But before we get down to business, what we drinkin’ tonight, Cheesehead?

CH: Too much, apparently. Hey, Florida Man, I’m gonna go take a leak.

FM: Sure. Look out for black bear ‘roud these parts.

CH: Jesus, Mary, Joseph, don’t tell me that. I want to pee in the woods, not in my pants.

FM: Alright alright. Be careful’s all I’m sayin. 

CH: Will do!

[Walks off]

FM: Welp, while he…*ahem* gets down to business, I’ll fill y’all in on whys we’re even recordin’ 

this episode. So we tried findin’ legendary Wolf-Woman of Mobile. We’ve tried huntin’ her down much like we did the Witch in the Woods, to no avail. So we just wanted to give you an update and tell you what we do know about the Wolf Woman of Mobile.

[High pitched woman’s scream]

FM: Cheesehead you hear that?!

CH: [yells] Oh yah, sorry. That was me. Thought there was a snake. Turns out, it was just a 

stick.

FM: Scared the shit out of me. Anyway. Originally called the Pre-Register, on account of 

appearing to be stuck in mid-transformation into wolf form, Wolf Woman was first reported back in 1971, describing her as “pretty and hairy," (so basically French) with "the top half was a woman and the bottom was a wolf.” So, almost like the wolf-variant of a faun, where they are only animalistic waist-down yet still bi-pedal. 

[High pitched woman’s scream]

FM: [Reack] Dammit, Cheesehead, what is it now?

CH: Huh? Wasn’t me. I didn’t say anything. 

FM: Then what who the hell… Don’t matter. Uhhh...Wolf-Woman, right.  Now, there’s a lot of 

theory behind this legend that may account for why we can’t find this elusive shewolf hybrid: being that she probably just don’t exist. 

[branches snap]

FM: One witness said they heard of a nearby circus side-show performer who fit the same 

description. Not to mention the first reports of the Wolf-Woman were on April Fool’s Day. Despite these dubious details, some folk still claimed to have spotted the Wolf Woman of Mobile long after April Fool’s Day. And, for that matter--

[Branches breaking and rapid footsteps]

FM: Hey Cheesehead, that you?

[Continued rapid footsteps]

FM: Comin’ in a little hot, don’t you think, buddy?

[Continued footsteps; abrupt stop; snarl]

FM: AAAH!, you ain’t Cheesehead. Get back! Whoa whoa wait, white fur, pale face...you a Yeti 

or something? Gotta be. Reckon you’re pretty lost if so. 

DWIGHT: You got the wrong Squatch there, dude.

FM: Whoa, who the heck are you? Whoawhoawhoa, hold up a second, I got a book my copy of 

the Big Book of Big Foot right here. Let’s see here... Wow, right up front! Large demeanor, fair features of white hair and pale skin, red eyes. Why, you’re who they call Alabama White Thang!

DWIGHT: Dwight.

FM: Right, “The White,” like I said. The White Thang.

DWIGHT: Nah, dude. I’m just standin’ here tryin’ to tell you my name’s Dwight.

FM: So you’re Dwight the White Thang? Wow.

DWIGHT: I ain’t get what’s so funny about that?

FM: Nothin’ nothin’. Whatcha got behind ya there?

DWIGHT: Oh what, thissen here? [thud/rocking] Brought me a rockin’ chair.

FM: Don’t get more Southern than that. Yanno, I’m here with my cousin and co-host, uh… 

[shout] Hey Cheesehead, get over here now. We kinda got a situation here!

CH: [return-shouting] Sorry, Florida Man! I ordered a #1, but they gave me a #2 instead. It’s 

going to be a hot minute.

FM: Jumpin’ Jesus. Welp, Dwight the White Thang, tell me bit about yourself while I got you 

here.

DWIGHT: Ain’t much to say, really. Part of the Sasquatch family, that much is obvious. We’re only distant relatives though. We White Thangs got bushy tails and wouldn’t last a day in the sun like our Skunk Ape brethren, on account of our pale complexion. So we generally stick to the shaded woods and forests out here ‘round Bama, know what I mean, dude? My kind’s been out here for centuries. 

FM: So then y’all pretty unique being bleach white with yer prehensile tail, and all. I mean your coat ain’t that way for camouflage like the I reckon the Yeti are. 

DWIGHT: Ain’t that the truth, dude. But we ain’t the only white thangs out in these here woods! Sometimes I spot folk like dressin’ as ghosts who really hate the letter, T. They build the giant letter outta wood in lowercase and set the damned thing ablaze. Can’t imagine what for. Gonna start a forest fire one of these days, they ain’t careful.

FM: Yea man, I’d definitely steer clear of them folk.

DWIGHT: If you say so.

FM: Or, on second thought, I hear they taste mighty good. Maybe try hunting ‘em down next time you see ‘em. World would be better off without them.

DWIGHT: Sure thang, dude!

FM: Right. Uh, anyway, my book here says you’ve been known to take all kinds of forms from from a cloud-coated bigfoot, to an eyeless and earless giant, to a pale and hairless gangly thang, to a seven-foot creature with the body of a kangaroo and head of a housecat. One thing they all got in common though is the white coloration. 

DWIGHT: [spits]

FM: Sorry, I offend you?

DWIGHT: Nah.

FM: Whatcha got there? Oh, Mt Dew bottle, huh? Glass one. Fancy.

DWIGHT: [Spits]

FM: You know I used to be all ‘bout Mountain Dew back in my gamin’ days. Well, that and Bawls.

DWIGHT: You drank from people balls?

FM: BAWLS. It was an energy drink in these blue glass bottles. Perfect for lan parties. But nowadays I’m more into black coffee and--

DWIGHT: [Spits] This here Dew bottle’s for my dip-spit.

FM: [shudders]

DWIGHT: Want some chew?

FM: Nah man, I’m good. Anyway, back to them weird sightings of cataroos or… Kanga cats? Whichever. House cats run a’loose all over the place so seein’ the head of a cat’s pretty common. Not to mention bobcats and the like. Accordin’ to the book, Florida’s Unexpected Wildlife by Michael Newton, rogue kangaroos have been spotted in the American wilds as well from 1899 through 2005. Reckon originally part of a circus or menagerie. Today, probably more likely an exotic pet or escapee from the black market animal trade known in these parts. People’s reported phantom kangaroos from Pennsylvania to Florida throughout three centuries now, so ain’t hard to believe people saw somethin’ similar. 

DWIGHT: Follerin’ what you’s sayin’ ‘bout mistaken identity, reckon folk may also mistake albino black bears for yours truly.

FM: Albino black bears? That even a thing?

DWIGHT: Hah, suuure they are. Fact is, they’re less than one percent of the population. A good deal more rare than even them cinnamon bears. 

FM: Cinnamon gummy bears are damn good. You really think something so elusive as an abino black bear could be mistaken for you?

DWIGHT: Callin’ me a liar, boy? Sure, albino blackbears are a might rare sight, but I ain’t exactly a common one myself. Truth is, I do a pretty good job of only bein’ seen when I wanna be. Which is to say, very little. We’re simple fellers who prefers just keepin’ to ourselves mostly. 

FM: Good point. So you’re said to live in a triangular region between Morgan, Etowah and Jefferson counties. Like Alabama’s own Bermuda Triangle only full of y’all White Thangs.

DWIGHT: We do meander ‘round them parts most the time, but we occasionally travel out the triangle like I am right Now.

FM: Dwight. You got a pretty low voice. Soulful, even. So I gotta ask, what’s up with that high pitched lady scream you did before you ran up on me?

DWIGHT: Thought that part was obvious. That’s that White Thang mating call! I got a whiff of fresh urine, beer, and heard someone hollarin out our matin’ scream. Couldn’t help myself.

FM: Sorry about that, the scream was just my cousin out there takin’ a piss. Thought he saw a Snake.

DWIGHT: What kind of a man’s afraid of little ol’ snakes? Thought for sure you was a White Chick Thang. 

FM: Well okay, and what would you have done if I were a white chick thang?

DWIGHT: You dumb or somethin’? I’d do what every other white thang would do during matin’ season. I’d woo you with my sturdily-constructed rocking chair here. Made it from strong oak, red-stained with possum blood, and finished with two coats of tree sap. 

FM: Wow. Who could pass that up? Just hang in there, man. Girls’ll come ‘roung eventually.

DWIGHT: Well, I’m 82 years of age.

FM: Yikes. 

DWIGHT: Yikes? Whatchu mean? 82 ain’t so bad, dude. We White Thangs live a long time.

FM: True, didn’t even think about that.

DWIGHT: We gots an average lifespan of 85.

FM: Wait- 85? That isn’t even--Goddammit, this is so stupid. 

DWIGHT: Yep, got three good long years ahead of me to find love ‘n procreate. I was thinking about trying a fedora. Heard chicks inta that sorta thang.

FM: I don’t know about that one Dwight. But sure hope that works out for you. 

DWIGHT: How could it not?

FM: Easily. 

DWIGHT: Reviews for them fedoras say they’re the shit so....

FM: Speakin’ of shit, [shouts] hey, Cheeshead, you fall in the hole or what?

CH: [Shouts back] Oh, you know when you think you’re done so you get ready to stand up, but then, your body is like surprise! Bonus Stage! That’s kinda my situation right now. So it looks like I’m in for round two. Fight!

FM: Ew. Well can you hurry it up already and get over here?

CH: Can’t rush these things, Florida Man. Just wish I brought my jacket. Feels sub-zero out Here at night. 

FM: Well Finish him already! So Dwight, all White Thanks got that uncanny speed you came rollin’ up on me with? Cause you come zippin’ through the woods like yer britches were on fire. 

DWIGHT: Hah, we’re all pretty fast here, dude. Best way to travel; own two feet. Getcha where you need to get goin’, know what I mean?

FM: But what’s your secret? How do y’all move so fast when no other sasquatch, far as I know, can reach speeds anywhere even close to yours.

DWIGHT: That’s cause they don’t drank the good stuff. Looky here, dude!

FM: A jug with five X’s scribbled on front? Have you been holdin’ that jug behind you with your tail this whole time? 

DWIGHT: Yea, dude! We White Thangs is moonshiners. Love the drank so much, we evolved tails to carry our jugs every whichaway we run, like a third arm you might say.

FM: Damn, you’re tellin’ me your entire species evolved a tail just for carrying booze? Reckon Cheesehead and I will have one before long at the rate we drink. Anyway, you said your white lightening there is what give y’all White Thangs your iconic bursts of speed? Cause the speed you can runnin in here with beats anything I ever seen.

DWIGHT: I’m actually slow as fuck for White Thang. But it’s true. Us White Thangs almost always take the gold at the CryptOlympic.

FM: The Cryptawhat?

DWIGHT: The Crypt-Olympics. You know, Cryptids gather from round ther world every four years to compete for athletic prowess. 

FM: OH, so like, the Olympics. It’s a Cryptid Olympics because of course it is. You uh, you ever compete?

DWIGHT: Me? Nah. Pa did though back in the ‘40s. Fact, to celebrate he did laps all ‘round these parts. Whicha why the first White Thang sightings began in the 1940’s. 

FM: That’s actually pretty cool. Humans ever allowed at the CryptOlympics? 

DWIGHT: Every species represented in the CryptOlympics has one human on the team

FM: Awesome! Really inclusive of you.

DWIGHT: It’s for the Triasslon where the humans have to run, bike, and swim their way--

FM: Yea, I know what a Triathlon is.

DWIGHT: Didn’t let me finish. Run, bike, and swim their way through a gauntlet of Triassic reptiles. Dinosaurs, pterosaurs, plesiosaurs… hell of a good time. Last Triasslon was pretty disappointing though; our human didn’t make it past the first flock of Coelophysis. Then again, Hank were’t the sharpest barb on the wire.

FM: Sounds like he got his Tri-ASS kicked.

DWIGHT: Show some damn respect! [pop cork] Thissin’s for you, Hank. May you rest in piece.

FM: More like pieces, amiright!

DWIGHT: The hell’s wrong with you.

FM: Like… so many things, man. Tireless list. Goes on forever.

DWIGHT: Think that’s my queue to go. Wasted a perfectly good matin’ call on weird, sad little 

human. 

FM: Pretty accurate. Anyway, you folks at home know anything about the Alabama White 

Thang? For questions, corrections, or stories of your own, write us at Thetalegatepodcast@gmail.com and check us out on Instagram @thetalegatepodcast for photos, cast info, updates, and more!

CH: [shouts] Hey Florida Man, just about wrapped up here but I forgot to bring the toilet paper! 

Could you be a pal and run some over real quick?

FM: [return shouts] Sure thang, Cheesehead! Hey Dwight…

DWIGHT: Yup?

FM: ‘For you go, mind bein’ a pal and runnin’ this out to my cousin for me?

DWIGHT: My pleasure.

FM: Catch!

[Sound effect]

CH: Hurry it up already, I don’t have all day!

[Rapid running]

DWIGHT: Hey there, stranger.

CH: [scream genuine fear]

FM: See ya later, Talegaters!

FLORIDAMAN: Thank y’all for joining us on our latest episode! The Alabama White Thang was voiced by Harrison Foreman. Cheesehead is played by Aaron Sherry, you can check him out on the Youtube channel, So Can You and on Instagram @aaronunabridged. Florida Man is played by Harrison Foreman. Theme Song is performed by Mat Jones. This episode is written and edited by Harrison Foreman.