S2E5 - The Spirit of Davy Crockett

THE TALEGATE PODCAST

S2E5: Davy Crockett

Part 1: Intro

FLORIDA MAN: Howdy folks, and welcome to The Talegate!

CHEESEHEAD: For those of you just joining us, we’re on a roadtrip across America to uncover 

the mysteries behind tall tales, fairy tales, folktales, fishtales, & urban legends, one interview at a time.

FM: We inherited a truck from our late Granny May and discovered that the crystal hanging 

off the rearview mirror was more than decorative. It’s a Dowsing Pendulum leading us to the good folks behind the tales we all grew up with.

CH: It’s been a heck of roadtrip so far, as we’ve been cursed by the mummy of Pharaoh Ay and are being currently pursued by the Men in Black.

FM: Women in Black. 

CH: Oh right, she was a lady. So, the People in Black?

FM: Sure! The P.I.B. 

CH: Like that Dr. Pepper knockoff, Mr. Pibb.

FM: But like, Miss Pib, she was a woman.

CH: Oh right. So, People Pib? Wait, now we’re back where we stated.

FM: With that, I’m Harrison, the Florida Man. 

CH: And I’m Aaron the Cheesehead. And today we are in San Antonio, Texas, waiting in line for our tour of the famed historical fort, The Alamo.

FM: The Alamo is a relic of a bygone era. Constructed of locally-quarried limestone on a 5-acre plot and built in 1718, The Alamo has stood the test of time, surviving the Texas' war for independence, the Mexican-American War, and American Civil War.

CH: Though colloquially known today as simply, “The Alamo,” it was originally built as a Spanish mission and was called, the uh... Florida Man, help me out here.

FM: My Southern ass ain’t going to be much help, but: Misión San Antonio de Valero. 

CH: Better than Midwestern ass, that’s for sure. Where’s our friend, Jose Gaspar when you need him?

FM: Probably drunk and definitely still in Tampa Bay, Florida. Any listeners who want to learn more about our swashbuckling pirate friend, Jose Gaspar, check out S1E2. Now what were you sayin’ ‘bout tha Mission?

CH: Right! The chapel here, serving as the iconic face of The Alamo, is known as the “Shrine of Texas Liberty.” Though considering how Texas was acquired, “liberty” is kind of a dubious term. Having changed hands between Mexico and the Republic of Texas multiple times, this fort and chapel have seen more facelifts than Nicole Kidman.

FM: I’m tellin’ ya! So after the Battle of the Alamo left the fort damaged, the Spanish gave it the ol’ fix-er-up up after commedeering it.

CH: The Alamo was eventually abandoned as a military base in 1876 upon the erection of Fort Sam Houston. 

FM: The Alamo fell into the hands of the Catholic church as, afterall, the fort was built around a Mission from the get-go. The Catholic Church sold the property for fat $20,000 to the State of Texas not 7 years followin’. That’s $528,819.80 today.

CH: Yo, that’s a lot of dough, donchakow? Today, you can visit the historic fort and chapel absolutely free! Parking notwithstanding. You can pay ten bucks like a pleb, or just pretend to be you’re joining the congregation like we did at that church down the road and park for free.

FM: So y’all at home might be askin’; yourselves, “why us Talegaters here recordin’ an episode at some dirty old fort when they’re supposed to be interviewing cryptids, extra-terrestrials, spirits, and the like?”

CH: I’m not sure our listeners speak quite as... colloquially as that, but I think I see your point. And we plan to answer that question with a song.

FM: Hope it’s royalty free, because ‘cause we’re broke. In case you couldn’t figure that out by the aforementioned church parking lot. 

CH: I mean it’s definitely not but we’ll just do the chorus.

FM: Not how copyrights work, but what the hell. Cheesehead, you pack your Ukulele? 

CH: Never leave the truck without it!

FM: Never leave the truck without it? Tellin’ me you’ve been packin an instrument with you all this time and ain’t used it once?

CH: Ya never know when it might come in handy. 

FM: Reckon it’s handy now.

CH: Darn tootin’ der, doncha know. Florida Man, got your harmonica ready?

FM: Just like Bob Dylan! Only .0001% as talented.

CH: Aw, come on, buddy. Don’t cut yourself short.

FM: Nah man, Closest I’ve ever been to Dylan is eating at the Doughnut Hut in Burbank.

CH: No idea what that means. But here’s the plan: we’re going to be ushered into the fort via their sanctioned hourly tour guide and steal off to locate our supernatural guest. And I bet you listeners at home will never guess who it is!

FM: It’s the title of this episode.

CH: Goddammit. 

GUIDE: Howdy y’all, and welcome to The Alamo! Come on in, come on in. Right this way, gather ‘round!

FM: Oo, look at that old gun there?

CH: Must be some lady's gun, since the name on the case is “Betsy.” Maybe an Alamo vet? We could just ask the tour guide.

FM: Hey ma’am, who’s Betsy?

GUIDE: All questions will be answered at the end of the tour.

FM: But...

GUIDE: END OF THE TOUR! As I was sayin’, hey y’all and welcome to The Alamo here in beautiful San Antonio, Texas! [Applause] Hope y’all brought your hikin’ boots ‘cause we’re about to take a trek through history. This is a fort that began as a humble mission only to become an epicenter on the battleground between the Republic of Texas and Mexico. Now you may notice the soldiers guarding the fort back yonder. They are wearing authentic woolen and military-issued garments accurate to their time. 

CH: Sh Shhhhh... Florida Man, the tour group just made off. Ukulele time? 

FM: Ukulele time!

[Stums chords to Ballad of Davy Crockett]

CH/FM: Davy, Davy Crockett...

DAVY: [in bass if possible] King of the wild frontier!

CH: Wowzers, it’s really you. The ghost of Davy Crockett!

DAVY: Well, it ain’t the ghost of John Neal.

CH: That’s a relief, because we don’t know that guy.

DAVY: John Neal. American activist, humorist, lecturer, and author. In fact, John Neal was the very first writer to use the term “son-of-a-bitch” in a work of fiction.

FM: Well, I’ll be son-a-bitch.

DAVY: And for that, you owe a nickel to John Neal.

CH: Five seconds into the interview and we’re already in the hole.

DAVY: Welcome to the Alamo, gentlemen. Historically rich, and memorable by demand.  

FM: That’s true. I only remember the Alamo because everyone tells me to remember the Alamo.

DAVY: Ah, there really is nothing quite like The Alamo, nestled here in the beautiful and tranquil lands of San Antonio.

FM: Maybe when you were last roamin’ the earth, but that were like, the 1830s.

DAVY: Of course. I understand that many things have changed in the decades since I joined the Texan Defenders, but nothing can rob our beautiful San Antonio of its luscious flora, babbling river, and sweeping landscapes. 

CH: Not to be a debbie downer, but I think you outta take a gander outside. The exit is down that corridor.

DAVY: Hah, corridor. One of the few perks of being a ghost is the complete disregard for any barriers on the physical plane. Exhibit 1) Watch as Davy Crockett marchs right through this here wall and prove beyond all reasonable doubt that San Antonio is still the very same picturesque bounty of nature. Here we go, Betsy!

[vanishing sound]

FM: We ever figure out who Betsy was?

CH: Maybe Betsy Ross?

FM: Fun fact, Betsy Ross and Davy Crockett died the same year of 1886. But she died in Philly, so I don’t think it’s her. I do think the poor guy’s in for a rude awakening though. San Antonio ain’t the quaint stretch of land it used to be.

CH: Oh yah. For those of you at home who have never visited the Alamo, this old fort sits smack dab in the middle of an urban sprawl housing over 1.5 million people.  

[vanishing sound]

DAVY: [Panting and in shock] What in tarnation happened to my sweet San Antonio!!

CH: Progress.

DAVY: People, people everywhere! Horseless carriages commandeering the sizzling paved streets that cross in more directions than a spider’s web! Buildings reaching into heaven like the blasphemous towers of Babel! And flags! So many flags! Flags on poles, flags on cars, flags on headwear, shirts, socks. I swear I even saw one degenerate in nothing but flag-printed undergarments. 

CH: Not to mention the flag tattoos.

DAVY: FLAG TATTOOS?! 

CH: Oh yah. Loads of people have flag tattoos. Country flag tattoos, state flag tattoos, lame “Don’t tread on Me” flag tattoos, even lamer “Blue Lives Matters” flag tattoos, and the absolute lamest Confederate flag tattoos. 

DAVY: Blue Lives Matter? What, did the Fugates of Kentucky have an uprising? And wait,  “Confederate” flag?

FM: Yea, I mean, imagine celebrating the side of a war that oppressed people and lost miserably.

DAVY: That’s easy to imagine. I fought at the Alamo.

FM: Touche. But y’ll fought to the death while Robert E Lee turned tail and waved the white flag.

DAVY: Back to the matter at hand: flag tattoos. Is this not unconstitutional? Is it not treasonous to bastardize the colors of your country in such ways of ill-repute? 

FM: Well, Texas ain’t its own republic no more, but I get what you mean. Think the image of a flag is fair game, but I’m pretty sure there are some US legal codes against using real flags as such.

DAVY: Well, now that you’ve got ol’ Davy all riled up, what can he do you for?

FM: We’d like you to be a part of our show.

DAVY: I’ve been featured in stage productions and countless interviews with the press, so why not? Sure, I’ll join your little show.

CH: Ah geez, thank you, Mr. Crockett!

DAVY: Call me Davy.

FM: I actually read that you went by your full given name, David, and not Davy, like we were all led to believe. Did you really prefer David Crockett?

DAVY: Sometimes, in formal situations. I was a politician, after all. But even President Andrew Jackson called me Davy verbally and in print. I, myself, openly assumed the name Davy during a speech in Ohio on July 12, 1834. To answer your question, I would sign my correspondence David, but, on the whole, it was always Davy. 

CH: I read that you never actually wore a coon-skin cap. 

DAVY: Hogwash. My daughter, Matilda claimed that I was dressed in my hunting suit, “wearing a coon skin cap” when I left for Texas, which is the truth. James D. Davis wrote the same of me when I left Memphis. “He wore that same veritable coon-skin cap and hunting shirt,” or something along those lines. Enrique Esparza, a youngin’ and Alamo survivor, recounted that I “wore a buckskin suit and a coonskin cap” just like the one here I got on!

CH: So all the rumors aren’t true, is what you’re saying.

DAVY: What other rumors are there?

CH: Well, one says that you were a pretty tiny fellow, that your stature as we know it is derived more from tall tales than fact.

DAVY: Here I am standing. What do you see?

CH: A tall handsome man in a buckskin suit and coonskin cap with a physique made out of bricks.

DAVY: And there you have it.

Part 2: History VS Myth

FM: Well, thank you so much for comin’ on the show, Davy! You know a lot of little kids grew up watching your movies and wearing that there classic coon-skin hat you got on. 

CH: Oh yah! Tell us all about your life and history, why doncha?

DAVY: Oh come now, boys. Like you said, people already know about the long, rich history of the legendary Davy, Davy Crockett [harmonica finishes chorus]. I’m sure your listeners wouldn't want me to bore them with exhilarating tales of my valorous -- nay, Homeric, exploits across a mighty, untamed frontier they now have the leisure to call “home”.

FM: Well, that’s just it, Davy. People can’t hardly tell which parts of your exploits are fact and which are myth. Hopin’ you could help ‘em out.

CH: Yea.

DAVY: Very well, very well. What’s to say, really? I had a humble upbringing like every other child. I was the son of a failed tavern owner who indentured me to work off the family debts when I was but a twelve-year-old whipper-snapper.

CH: That’s actually awful.

FM: Yea, some real Charles Dickens ass shit.

DAVY: I was put to work as a cattle driver and apprenticed under a milliner.

CH: You apprenticed under a millionaire?

DAVY: No. A millionaire is a man with a million dollars.

CH: What’d you say?

DAVY: A Milliner.

FM: Yea, like them old fishermen.

DAVY: That’s a Mariner.

FM: Yea. What’d you say?

DAVY: A Milliner.

CH: Ooooh, so you worked in a Mill

DAVY: That’s a Miller. 

CH: Exactly. What’d you say?

DAVY: A Milliner.

FM: You mean that bull-headed labyrinth fella from ancient Greek mythology! 

DAVY: No. No, that’s a Minatour. 

FM: Well what’d you say?

DAVY: A Milliner--You know what? I’m going to stop you there. A milliner is a hat-maker. Is that not still a noble profession here in the very state whose soil I nurtured with my own sweat and blood? 

FM: Nope. 

DAVY: Son of a bitch.

CH: OOP! You owe a penny for John Neal.

DAVY: Nickel to John Neal.

CH: Son of a bitch.

DAVY: And that’ll be a nickel to John Neal. No where was I?

CH: America’s woeful lack of milliners...

FM: Unless you count Lidz at the North Star Mall we passed yonder.

DAVY: Which I don’t. After my debt-repaying apprenticeships, I came of age to marry the irreplaceable Polly Finley and fathered two sons and a daughter with that one. 

CH: How romantic!

DAVY: One whole year after Polly passed away, I remarried Elizabeth Patton, a widow herself, who came with a boy and girl of her own.

FM: Irreplaceable, you say?

CH: A whole year, you say?

DAVY: Together, Elizabeth and I bore yet another strapping young man and a set of two fair little ladies. 

FM: Damn, y’all had eight kids? How’d you even manage that?

DAVY: Eight at least. I may have lost count. Being the son of an indebted businessman and head of a bustling household as I was, you can appreciate my insistence on fair housing rights to the impoverished families on the frontier, in my later days in politics.

FM: That sounds pretty noble. So you were kind of a stay-at-home dad?

DAVY: Heavens no. I enlisted in the Creek War and served mostly as a scout in the Tennessee militia, under major general Andrew Jackson. I did things I wasn’t proud of.

CH: Ufdah

DAVY: Jackson joined the United States Army and requested aid from the Tennessee militia to fight in the War of 1812, where I once again enlisted.

CH: Wowwee, did you stick it to the Brits?

DAVY: Hardly. Truth be told, my unit didn’t really see any action though, as we were several days march from the front lines. We did a lot of hunting though!

FM: Kill youse a b’ar like the song says?

DAVY: Yes. In fact, I killed many a b’ar with ol’ Betsy, if I remember correctly.

FM: Okay, gotta ask, who exactly is this Betsy you keep bringing up all casual like?

DAVY: Which one? 

CH: There’s more than one Betsy?!

DAVY: Old Betsy and Fancy Betsy.

FM: Yikes, I’d take to be the gal with “old” in the name.

DAVY: Haha, no no no, you got it all wrong. My Betsys aren’t women. They’re my most prized firearms. You may have noticed “Old Betsy” is the Alamo Museum display case. I believe you referred to it earlier as “that old gun there.”

FM: Oh yea! So that old .40 caliber flintlock was yours?

DAVY: She was gifted to me in 1822 by a group of Lawrence County constituents back when I still worked for the state of Tennessee.

FM: Did she see any action here at the Alamo?

DAVY: No. If she had, she probably wouldn’t still be preserved as she is. I paid it forward, and gifted the gun that was gifted to me to my son, John Wesley, before leaving to fight in the 13-day siege right here at The Alamo.

CH: Then who’s “Fancy Betsy”?

DAVY: Fancy Betsy was a gold-and-silver-coated firearm gifted to me in the 1830s by the Whig Society of Philadelphia. 

CH: Why the name Betsy? 

DAVY: I had a sister and a wife named Elizabeth. The name just seemed right.

FM: Then reckon I’ll name my .357 magnum “Alicia.”

CH: Oh yah, I’m sure she’ll love that.

DAVY: Is there any greater honor for your loved ones than to have firearms named in their honor? 

FM: Well--

DAVY: No, no there’s not.

Part 4: Pop Culture

CH: So your legend took root within your own lifetime through your autobiography and the stage play, The Lion of the West. 

DAVY: Ah yes, I attended that stage performance.

CH: The Lion of the West was written by novelist and satirist, James Kirke Paulding, who was, like you, also an advocate for Native Americans. First performed on April 25th, 1831 at Park Theatre in New York, The Lion of the West was a humorous look into the life of pioneers. It follows Nimrod Wildfire, a pretty transparent spoof of Davy Crockett, played by beloved actor James Hackett. 

FM: How did it feel being spoofed like that? Was it humbling or insulting?

DAVY: Oh, it was a hoot! An absolute honor. While, yes, it did prey on my legend for the sake of laughs, it did so respectfully and truly captured the pioneer spirit! The Lion of the West grew to become the most popular play on the American stage until “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” in 1852. 

FM: Aside from stage plays, countless biographies have been written about you: American Legend - The Real Life Adventures of Davy Crockett by Buddy Levy; Davy Crockett - The Legend of the West by Michael Wallis; and The Frontiersman - The Real Life and Many Legends of Davy Crockett by Mark Derr. Just to name a few!

CH: Though your popularity waned from the mid-19th to mid-20th centuries, there came an epic resurgence in popularity by the 1950’s upon the release of the television miniseries simply titled, Davy Crockett, on the program, Walt Disney’s Disneyland. Disney was also the mastermind behind the chart-topping hit, The Ballad of Davy Crocket. (Please don’t sue us)

FM: Yea! They had kids buying coon-skin hats and singing along to your jam so hard that Robert Zemeckis even tapped into the craze in his timeless classic, Back to the Future, which took place in 1955, the same year as Disney was releasing your show. You was played by Fess Parker in that series.

DAVY: Oh, I like that.

CH: You’ve been featured in over 21 feature films, one in which you were played by Billy Bob Thorton. 

DAVY: Oh, I like that far less.

Part 4: IS THIS YOU?

CH: You know what you will like?

DAVY: My mortal body back?

CH: Evey better! Because we’re about to play a fun little game we like to do here on The Talegate Podcast called, ISSSS THIS YOU? But, for the sake of this very special episode, we’re going to rename it “ISSSS THIS TRUE? Where we read you lyrics from The Ballad of Davy Crockett, and you tell us, iffff it’s true.

DAVY: Delightful.

FM: Borned on the mountain top of Tennessee, Greenest state in the land of the free, raised in the woods, so’s he knew every tree, killed him a ba’ar when he was only three... Issss this true?

DAVY: Is there a more modern turn of phrase for being correct while also woefully mistaken?”

FM: We just say, “kinda.”

DAVY: “Kinda?” A dainty word. Alas, how my America has grown soft in the absence of hardened frontiersmen. 

FM: Alas.

CH: Wait just a gosh darn second der -- Your America? Did you just get done telling us you left America to join the Republic of Texas?

DAVY: Is there a more modern turn of phrase for, “Gentlemen of three outs?”

FM: Sure, that’s an infield shift.

CH: I don’t think he’s talking about baseball, Floridaman.

FM: What else could he mean by Gentlemen of three outs?

DAVY: Oh, I was only goating you.

FM/CH: Ooo.

DAVY: Because it means you're both idiots. 

FM/CH: Aww.

CH: Back to the song, are you really saying that you were, in fact, not born on a mountain top in Tennessee?

DAVY: Speaking as former chair in Tennessee's Committee of Propositions and Grievances, fighting viciously to maintain real estate titles for impoverse settlers, I find it ill-advised for anyone to build on the very top of a mountain. But I did live within the mountains. 

CH: Makes sense, but you did live in Tennessee, is that right?

DAVY: By rights, I was actually born in the free state of Franklin, formerly North Carolina. Franklin rejoined Washington, North Carolina after a spell, which then became Greene County, Tennessee by 1783.

CH: Franklin, which was formerly North Carolina which is modern-day Tennessee. Gotcha.

FM: Did you kills you B’ar when youse was only three?

DAVY: A great historian once wrote that the mighty Davy Crockett had killed 105 bears in but a 7-month span.

FM: Sounds like that great historian was also a great liar.

DAVY: Hey now, that great historian was me! I co-wrote, along with fellow Kentucky congressman, Thomas Chilton, my autobiography entitled, A Narrative of the Life of David Crockett, Written by Himself. 

CH: At least it’s self-aware. 

DAVY: Listen boys, The Ballad of Davy Crockett is a long, lyrically-hyperbolous song. Here’s what you need to know, I did fight in Creek wars as mentioned, only we called them the “Injun Wars” back then.

FM: Definitely not Politically correct, but continue.

DAVY: On the note of politics, I became a politician. In fact, my once commander, Andrew Jacoson, became my embittered political rival and eventual President of the United States. 

FM: Damn. I’d have left for the Republic of Texas, too, if he were my president. 

DAVY: I had made promises which I aimed to keep to the Native Americans, and Jackson sought to undo every last one of them. I greatly opposed his notion of the Trail of Tears. I was the only representative in my state to do so, making me wildly unpopular among them. 

CH: The right thing to do is rarely the popular thing to do.

DAVY: You know, gentlemen, we could dissect every verse of Disney's smash hit, or you could allow me to give you a new rendition, The Slightly More Accurate Ballad of Davy Crockett.

FM: Won't that get us sued?

DAVY: Call it a parody. Here, the lyrics. Now Cheesehead, strum us a tune.

CH: You betcha!

DAVY: And Floridaman, do that harmonica thing you’re not so great at.

FM: And how!

[To Mat Jones’s melody]

The Slightly More Accurate Ballad of Davy Crockett 

FM: Borned in Franklin, which is now history

An unsanctioned state in the land of the free.

Which rejoined North Carolina territory

Before assimilating to the state of Tennessee

ALL: Davy, Davy Crockett, His home-state ain’t so clear

CH: He served as a scout the “Injun War”

A name is so racist that it’s hard to ignore

The Creeks were wrongfully shown the door

As the whiteman stole all their land and more - (Ah geez)

ALL: Davy, Davy Crockett, enlisted by profiteers  

DAVY: I gave my word and I gave my hand

That the Native Americans could keep their land

But Andrew Jackson had other plans

So ol’ Davy drew his line in the sand

ALL: Davy, Davy Crockett, ready to campaign-smear

CH: Fightin’ to keep his promise intact,

He opposed the Indian Removal Act

But support from his delegates, he would lack

Then they voted out Davy, like a kick in the sack

ALL: Davy, Davy Crockett, fightin’ the Trail of Tears

FM: As Jackson stepped down, he endorsed a friend,

Martin “the mutton-chopped” Van Buren

Davy had enough and joined the Texans

To try to steal land from the Mexicans? (The fuck?)

ALL: Davy, Davy Crockett, the Texan Musketeer

DAVY: I traveled south, as south could go

Enlisting with Defenders at the Alamo

Our troops were overwhelmed and, whatddyaknow,

We crumbled like the old walls of Jericho

ALL: Davy, Davy Crockett, the legend died right here.

Davy, Davy Crockett, the legend died right here.

The Legend 

Died Right 

Heeere. 

Remember the Alamo!

GUIDE: Is that The Ballad of Davy Crockett I hear? Shanda-la-honda (holy Alamo-ly)! Who’s singing that song? We can’t afford another Disney lawsuit!

FM: Hear that, Cheesehead? Tour guide’s coming back. Wait.. was she just speaking’ in tongues??

CH: Jimmy Crickets! Well, folks, it looks like we’ve reached the end of our show. Any last minute words of wisdom you’d like to share with our audience, Mr. Davy Crockett?

DAVY: “Always be sure you are right, then go ahead.”

CH: And there you have it! Wise words from a wise man. 

FM: Speaking of “wise,” wise the fuck up by following us on instagram @thetalegatepodcast for pictures, cast info, updates, and more!

CH: And got any strange tales of your own? Email your stories to TheTalegatePodcast@gmail.com! We’ve actually received a story or two and look forward to reading them soon on air soon. Don’t forget to visit our website, TheTalegatePodcast.com for a full episode library, in depth snow notes, and transcripts!

FM: See You Later, Talegaters!

DAVY: Thank you all for joining us on the latest episode of The Talegate Podcast! Davy Crockett is played by Kahlil Nelson. Kahlil is a museum professional, tour guide, and Tiki enthusiast. You can follow him on Instagram @realkahlil (might need to spell it). And book a tour with Kahlil [however that works]

Aaron the Cheesehead is played by Aaron Sherry, you can check him out on his Youtube channel, So Can You and on Instagram @aaronunabridged. Harrison the Florida Man is played by Harrison Foreman. Theme Song and The Ballad of Davy Crockett Parody is performed by Mat Jones. This episode is written and edited by Harrison Foreman.